Back in the day, women were expected to stay home. Clean the house, raise the kids, but it was worth it. Every night, your man came home from work, planted a big ol'kiss on your face, rubbed the kids heads and sat down to dinner. You talked about your day, then Dear old Dad would go play ball with Jr out back. Now, in my generation, let's just say some husbands could buy stock in a bar, or condoms, if they are already cheating. Men have become emotionally unavailable. Then why get married? Most of the men cheat or leave. Because even though men have evolved from Dear old Dad of the 50's, unfortunately, us women haven't, so it's our fault this happens. We still want that life! To stay home, raise our kids and have a man that loves us. Romance books can be part of the blame. 98% of them have a happy go lucky ending! They make us wonder, where the hell are these men who actually have feelings and can connect emotionally with the heroine?
But in reality, what man still kisses his wife when he leaves a room? How many men are now content to sit on the couch and do nothing but hold his wife? In my experience, not many, at least not that I've found. Even when dating, most men had to be out at the bar or partying it up. Life is no longer laid back, bonfires and sitting on a porch. If you have one of those men, you're lucky and better hold on for dear life. I envy you, greatly. My biggest argument with my husband is that I only ask one thing from him. To love me. Apparently even that's too hard. The rest of us aren't so lucky. And it hurts! Take it from me. Either I'm unloveable, by every man I've ever met, or it's them.. I'm not saying it's not me, but when you're a pleaser, always trying to make everyone else happy, it seems to hurt more. You go out, spend every last dime to find them something that makes them happy. But is it returned? My last birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day and now Mother's Day, I've gotten some half assed comment from my husband who claims he loves me. That's it. No card, no pretty coloring from my child that he helped with, no gift. Nothing, not even a damn kiss. No, I'm not complaining about material things. What I'm upset about, is that my husband can't look past himself to realize how hurt I am. I mean really? You couldn't let our kid color some piece of paper, then you write Happy Mother's Day on top? I would have smiled, cried and loved it, because it was something real.
So why is it that my generation can never be good enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough? Submissive enough? What happened to the world that a smart young woman is now a threat to men? What happened to values, placed on love, family and being real? Is everyone so concerned with getting that one leg up that they forget what's important, who's important? Yes! The world is a different plance than it was even 20 years ago when I was growing up. I look at my parents marriage and am envious. You can see they really love each other. So why can't I have that? Why am I even putting up with a man who treats me this way? It's simple. I love the asshole. No matter how much he hurts me, I love him and it hurts. Life is different for my generation. Sure, most women have surged into the work place. Nothing wrong with that. But what about the men who now expect their women to support them? The men who can't seem to get over themselves enough to really truly love someone? Yes, now I feel like I'm ranting. Sorry, I'm just wondering, what happened to real men who wanted to be the bread winners and support their families? Basically, I needed to get this off my chest, but I'm also curious how many other women deal with this? With a man who claims to love them but won't hug, kiss or touch them? A man who remains emotionally unavailable to us, yet we stay? We allow them to treat us this way, why? Because we LOVE them. Right. Maybe we don't even know the meaning of love. Maybe it's just an illusion. Something to sell books, tv and movies. Because after 30 years, I feel like I don't know what love is. And I wish I did, so I could teach my daughter to stay away from men like her father. The last thing I want for my baby girl, is for her to go through the same pain I am.
Thanks for listening to me. Stay tuned for some book posts!
I know no one is perfect. I certainly am not. I think my husband can be thoughtful 75% of the time. The other 25 is when I need some understanding or when I ask for something and it is a project. But it is the 75% that keeps us together. More good than bad. He worries when I'm upset. He remembers special moments. Is more emotionally connected and available than a lot of men. Though sometimes he ignores common sense, he's generally a good man. I get up half asleep and he'll stop whatever to give me a hug. When I come home he'll give me a kiss. Demands family time. These are things a person who is not so emotional (me) can appreciate because I know not everyone has it.
ReplyDeleteMen nowadays have a mentality of...something owed to them. I don't know where it's coming from. They do expect women to work, tale care of the house, the kids and deal with their bullshit. I'm sorry for the women that feel they have to put up with it.
My heart goes out to those women. I know it's not about not having the balls to walk away. Years ago I would have said just leave. Now I know better. Emotions are a bitch. They can make a simple decision for some a very earthshattering reality for others.
All you can do is make choices that are best for you akd your child. Remember that if your daughter sees this treatment as okay, she will grow up to accept the same. Food for thought.
My heart is with you.
Love you hon. I am happy that things work out for you! I truly am. It's great to know that not all men are like this.
DeleteI know where your coming from! I have been married for 15 years (come august) The first 6 were miserable. I literally went through hell, he was mentally abusive and borderline physically, insanely jealous and had expectations a mere mortal couldnt compete with. We got married because i got pregagant and he was going to be a part of the kids life anyways. We rarely exchanged gifts at holidays. I always had the kids make him something though, I am a stay at home and dont have funds so it was the easy and thoughtful way. Some years I would do stuff for my grandmother to earn money to buy him something nad he didnt return the favor. The last two years for mothers day i got balloons from the dollar store and some trinket. (daughter paid last year). This year was the first year he went and spoled me. He made me breakfast, took the kids out for the day, Bought me flowers, a candle and a shirt. It took 15 years for us to get to the good part of our relationship. I cant tell you how many times over the years I wanted to leave and packed the kids up to do just that and chickened out. Even if things are going good, I still walk on egg shells fearing things will revert back to the old way. I wish that everyone had the turn around (180 at least) he did. I Understand your pain and want you to know I LOVE YOU and think your an amazing person! Men dont understand what women do. Woman understand other woman best! We know your amazing! Keep your head up, and remember we love you always! We dont need a man to feel complete but men need us to feel complete.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Thank you for your kind words. It's not just me, my friends, everyone I've talked to seem to feel the same way I do. It's not just appreciation, it's love. I scrimped, saved and went broke making sure he had something he really wanted for christmas. We always exchange gifts. But, it's not presents I'm worried about. It's the fact that I couldn't get a kind comment, a kiss, a hug, nothing! There seems to be no affection. It's not that he's abusive, he's just selfish and it hurts so much that I put all of me into finding ways to make him happy and nothing is enough! I love you too hon! I do!
DeleteSome people are just selfish. Has he always been this way? Some people put up a front at first and then the real person comes out with time. :(
ReplyDeleteLove ya chica
Nicole - so sorry you are going through this. My Mom was just talking yesterday about how she always hated Mother's Day because she spent all her time getting together gifts / cards for her Mom and then whichever woman my Grandfather was married to at the time...while my Dad did nothing for her. His response? "You aren't my mother." My "Snarky Mom" persona is based upon the fact that my husband (while in no way, shape or form is henpecked) KNOWS that I am NOT *that* quintessential 50's wife. I made him, and all 3 of my sons (school age), watch the "World's Toughest Job" video (I had it on my blog yesterday http://www.snarkymomreads.com/?p=5261 ). I think the entitlement issue that Milly mentioned is actually a generational symptom. I'm sure I'm showing my age here, but kids nowadays.... well, you know. Feel entitled. Don't want to work for anything & just want it handed to them. As SAHMs it is surprising that there is such a negative backlash since many of the mothers / grandmothers were also SAHM -- maybe it is the male romanticizing their memories of their SAHM? My advice? Go get yourself one of those decorative signs that says, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Then LIVE it. And while you're at it, write another book (um, no ulterior motive here WHATSOEVER in suggesting that.... big ole wink) with an ideal, yet realistic, husband as the main romantic lead -- and give him a copy to beta read for you. Maybe he'll get a clue. HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the smile and laugh this morning! I have to say, that's one thing he doesn't support very well, my writing. It seems to him, it's a hobby, to me, it's my life choice. But you're right. Too many people feel entitled. He works a job, I stay home. He feels entitled to do what he wants, when he wants. It's hard to deal with. As a woman, I keep thinking he'll change, I can change him. I'm starting to see, I can't. Apparently I'm not Superwoman!
DeleteBe strong, there are many of us in that same boat with you. I work 3 jobs (though two are limited hours on weeknights or weekends), have 2 kids, do ALL house chores, and do the finances. What's frustrating is that all the things we do seem to go unnoticed, while things we miss are emphasized. It's not so much the chores or presents, as the intent behind it. The idea that he would be willing to work or scrimp and save for you. My husband is a spender who runs up debts and talks about all he needs to buy, while I fight to pay for it all. Packed lunches for me, while he eats out, ignoring left overs even though he is not working reliably or at all. Our romance novels give us our much needed escape to a world where we are coveted and prized, able to let someone else take charge, even if only in the bedroom, and even praised for what we perceive as faults (I.e., weight, giving too much...). We all are wondering what happened, then making the best of each day. Though I understand there are reasons in my situation I stay, my husband suffers from mental illness and health problems and is working on them , sometimes, we all make the best choices we can. Good luck, and know you are not alone...
ReplyDeleteThank you hon! Stay strong!!
DeleteI'm so sorry you're going through such heartache, hon. It really sucks when you're all-in, and the other person isn't. I'm one of the lucky ones. My hubby loves holidays and buying gifts, although it wasn't always that way. I think it was my third, or fourth Mother's Day and I got nothing. I was so upset because, like you, I'm the one in my family (even extended) that is always making sure everyone is taken care of. And, like you, it's not about the material things for me, it's the appreciation, love and worth, that is important. A bouquet of hand-picked flowers and a scribbled card would be wonderful! I remember chewing my hubby out and leaving. I spent the day with my sister (my mom lived in another state, at the time) and didn't answer my phone all day. I figured he could take care of the kids for one lousy day. When I got home, there were all kinds of gifts; flowers, candy, a card and even a baker's rack that I'd had my eye on. He managed to take both kids to a store to buy gifts, by himself, and all three of them lived. He apologized and swore he didn't mean to hurt me. I did forgive my hubby within a few days but I made sure he knew that it wasn't the presents that won me over, and that my feelings were hurt to the point that I would never forget. Marriage is never perfect but both people have to put forth an effort. One person can't do it all alone. We've been to counseling, and that made a huge difference, too but, again, both people have to want to make things better. I pray that things either get better or you're able to move on. Life is too short to be treated like crap. You deserve so much more, hon. My heart goes out to you and all the ladies putting up with similar shit. Marriage is work but basic, human compassion should play a part, too. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThank you hon! Yea, it doesn't seem he wants to change, and it's the fact that every holiday or occasion is a "Him" day. He doesn't seem to realize how much it hurts me. It does. It's the fact that I do all I can to try and make him happy. Buy him things I saved for months for, making meals I know he enjoys, taking him places he likes. Yet, the few times, I expect maybe a little attention or something about me, I'm let down. Counseling won't work, as he has no intention of changing it seems. He doesn't feel he's wrong. Which makes it worse.
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